HELP: My step-daughter's ripping apart my family

[jessilee82]

Ok, so my step daughter is the same age as my daughter. However, sd, grew up in a very different home. Her mother is a floozy, she parades men in and out of her house like her bed resides in a revolving door. Her mother is also a pathological liar. Always has been(I've known her since freshman year of high school) and she constantly tells her kids they're fat, they eat too much, ect.

Well she came to stay with us this summer. Her father and i have been together for almost 4 years now. When she first met me and was stand offish and, well mean, to me, I chalked it up to her mother having men in and out and she assumed I would leave. Well, no, all these years later she ignores me, is rude, and lies to me ALL THE TIME. Almost nothing that leaves her mouth is truth.

So this summer, I spoke at length with her dad, who dotes on her and lets her get away with murder, and he agreed to be supportive with my disciplining her. Time outs, not physical discipline. Well, I start cracking down and punishing for lying and being disrespectful, and she goes home and complains to Mom.

She says I'm mean, unfair, I pick on her, and that my daughter hits, kicks, and pulls her hair. So now hubby is mad at me. Not annoyed MAD he went so far as to refuse to share a bed with me last night. I've explained and explained that I wasn't mean, unfair, or picking on her. And IF my daughter got physical with her, she didn't come and tell me, and if I don't know, I can't stop it.

I mean, I can see where she felt picked on since she got in the most trouble, but it was because she was misbehaving and my daughter was following my rules. My daughter got in trouble, but not as much as sd. My daughter has largely learned not to lie to me(she isn't perfect, of course) and she doesn't verbally disrespect me.

I asked where the "I'll support you if sd says you're mean" went. I WARNED him that if I took over punishment(I stay at home with the kids and he was working long hours) she'd do exactly this.

I'm so mad/sad/frustrated/hurt that I'm going to take my kids and spend the rest of the week with my mother.

As for him, his daughter has declared she doesn't want to come up here anymore for weekend visits or long stays, so he's going to let her go to his mom's for 'their' weekends and play with her cousin, and he'll go down once a month during a weekend to see her.

I don't think that's the solution! She shouldn't get her way. Especially since she wants to go to grandma's because grandma got on us for putting her in time out in her home. Grandma lets her come and go as she pleases, go to bed when she wants, watch as much tv as she wants, and eat whatever she wants. What kid DOESN'T want that??

Any advice?? Anyone have step children, or was a step child??

[HeavenLeigh]

Oh hell girlie, you're in a quite the mess.
You're in a catch 22, darned if ya do--darned if ya don't.
On one hand...You can't expect a step kid to come in and obey your rules, kids will rebel against that so hard. The mother obviously hasn't taught her manners and self respect. I doubt you can undo the damage that her mom has already done. Especially since she doesn't live w/ you.
On the other hand....it's your house and your rules. You shouldn't be disrespected by anyone in your home.
Your husband should take more time being a father than a friend, if he doesn't do it now the poor girl won't have a chance. She will be wild as a buck.
The only advice I have is to talk to DH and tell him that you were trying to give her a stable/normal place. You want her to know structure and boundaries and when you're alone watching her you have the obligation to stop her from doing bad things, not just for her sake but for the sake of your children as well.
Maybe it's best for everyone involved if she doesn't come back. You have your kids to think about, and kids learn from other kids. You don't want her bad behavior rubbing off on your kids. I think it would keep conflict down between you and DH also. It's sad that SD's mom could care less about her. I think ppl that are too sorry to teach their kids right from wrong shouldn't be allowed to have kids.