Thinking of leaving my hubby

[jessilee82]

I've been considering moving out and leaving my partner. There are lots of things that have been leading up to it, but the biggest thing is he's really hard on my daughter and I think it's effecting her negatively. He just can't seem to bring himself to be as affectionate and caring with her as with his two bio kids. I don't want her to grow up with a negative self image or seeking a man who treats her like that, or just affection from men in general. I did that as a high schooler, I don't want that path for her. That's how I got her.
Top it off with I think my partner is bi-polar, so it makes life erratic.
I have approached him several times about seeking therapy for him, he refuses. Going to couples therapy, he refuses.
Going to family therapy, he refuses.
Parenting/step parenting classes, he refuses.
He thinks he's fine the way he is and that those classes won't teach him anything.
My daughter was gone this week visiting her dad and grandma out of state, she now wants to stay forever and repeatedly told me and them that I won't miss her and that we'll be happier without her. That makes me very sad.
I love my daughter and want what's best for her which may mean leaving the person I love and my son growing up in a divided family.
Also worth noting, we seperated over her once before. Things were better when we were apart and when we first got back together, but as these things always seem to, he's gone back to the way he was.

Any advice would be helpful. I think mostly I just had to put it out there.

[RedBedHead]

I really have no advice. I hate that you're going through this though.

[Margarita]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this hard time. It seems to me like you have your answer:

Originally Posted by jessilee82

Things were better when we were apart and when we first got back together, but as these things always seem to, he's gone back to the way he was.

It's never a good idea to stay together just because you have children together, and if he is negatively influencing one child, that's even worse.

Maybe you could talk to him one more time about some kind of counseling, letting him know that if he's not willing to work on things in some way, you aren't going to be around. He may not realize how serious you think this is.

[Deana]

I am so sorry to hear this.

If he won't go to counseling in any way, shape or form, would you be willing to go, just on your own? Maybe going to counseling could give you the tools to react to him differently (NOT saying that any of it is your fault, just that you might find a whole different perspective on how to react to him). If nothing else, counseling could provide you some unbiased support. There is actually research showing that even if one spouse/partner attends counseling, that a marriage/relationship can greatly improve.

I wish you the best!

[HeavenLeigh]

I'm so sorry. I agree that you have to do what's best for your kids. Dr. Phil always says "Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one"--and I believe that is completely true. Good luck. I have no advice, your daughter is obviously in pain. I wish ya'll the best.

[jessilee82]

I'm going to take my daughter and I to therapy until we're able to move out. I gave my partner one last chance to attend. I asked him if he'd do it to save our relationship, and he didn't answer. When I pushed the next day for an answer all he said was "We've had this discussion many times, you know where I stand" which means, No I won't go to therapy.

I feel a little like he's just said "no I don't care enough about you and the kids to even try to save things"

[B'sgirl]

I'm so sorry! Too bad he won't let down his pride. It seems like that may be his problem. I hope you can get things figured out and make a good life for your children!

[HeavenLeigh]

I'm sorry. Some ppl don't want to change, others don't think they need to. Either way, it's sad. He may be a great guy, just not a compatable partner for you.

[B'sgirl]

Originally Posted by Margarita

It's never a good idea to stay together just because you have children together

This statement is probably correct most of the time, but I wouldn't say it's never a good idea. But M is right that if it is affecting the children negatively to be around your partner, or your relationship with your partner puts too much strain on the child then it probably is not a good idea to stay together, like she said.

[shan]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a horrible situation all the way around. I am glad you are going to counseling with your daughter, that will help her out with any self esteem issues she might be developing. It will help you learn to cope with any long term effects this might cause her. It is hard when some one makes you choose between them and some one else you love but when they do that it normally means that they don't love you enough. I am sorry that it is like that but your doing the right thing, your child's welfare is the most important thing and your a great mom for realizing what was going on.