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[anon]

On Thanksgiving I learned of some really horrible things going on in my family. My brothers best friend walked in on him sexaully abusing my 13 year old niece. My brothers best friend is like a member of the family, he has always came to our family get togethers and anytime anything happens we always let him know. Hell I even have him on my speed dial at home. Here is the whole background on this before I even start talking about recent events. My sister, brother and I were sexaully and physically abused by our moms boyfriend. He and our mom was alcohalics (sorry if I can't spell I am really upset right now) It lasted a little over five years. My sister and I were put through counsiling, but by the time we had said anything about it our brother was already over 18 and he never said anything about it. He has never talked about that time and I thought that maybe he had gotten out of it without it hurting him mentally or emotionally. My mom had left her boyfriend and had stopped drinking and has not touched the stuff since. She beat herself up for years because she had let something like that happen to her babies. For years now my brother has had a drinking problem, anyone who pays any attention to him could tell that. He has three little girls and another baby on the way. His best friend has a five year old little girl and only gets to see her on weekends. He will take his little girl over to my brothers house and visa versa. Also when growing up his mom was not discreet at all about her sexual incounters with men. He told me that he was afraid to walk through out there house because he never knew when he would walk in on her having sex or doing sexual "favors" to different guys.
Now that you sort of know the background here is the full story. Wednesday night my brothers best friend went over to my brothers to celebrate his birthday. His birthday is next month but he is leaving on a business trip on the 30th and won't get back till after his birthday. They had been drinking and my brothers best friend went out to the garage because they were going to play a game out there. He was out there for around 45 minutes to a hour when he went in to see where my brother had went. He said the house was quiet and he didn't find him, but he saw my niece's light on and it was 2:30 in the morning. So he popped his head in to find out what she was doing up so late and saw my brother. So he came over here because he knows he can crash on our couch at anytime. Dh had fell asleep watching a movie and woke up when he came in. Said that he completely broke down, but he wouldn't say what was wrong. So all through Thanksgiving dinner no one knew except him which he wasn't there he went to his ex wifes to spend it over there because he didn't want to beat the crap out of my brother and spoil everyones holiday. My brother talked to my niece and poured all of his beer out. He said that they talked and they cried. Then he talked to his wife. They still went to my parents for dinner so that they wouldn't make anyone upset or wonder where they were. Then after dinner my brother told me and my sister that he wanted to talk to us and we met up at my house. He told us what happened and I had mixed feelings. As some one who has been through it I wanted to kill him for the damage that he had done to my niece. As a sister I wanted to give him the support he needs to get help, and as a mother I wanted to grab my kids and get them as far from all this as I could. I am still in shock and I just don't know what to think still. My nieces were over here all day so that my brother and his wife could go to work yesterday and not have to worry about them. But my brothers best friend went to my SIL's work and talked to her and told her he was going to CS. I don't think that he should have gone to her work because of the fact he could have gotten her fired that is the only problem I have had with him. I have talked to him repeatedly and told him that I thought he should do what was right no matter what everyone else thinks. Then my SIL came over here way before she was suppose to get off work grabbed my niece and left. Saying nothing of where they were going. So I called my sister and had her come over and she agreed with me that we thought my brother had been arrested. So we called our mom and step dad and have them come over. But right after they start heading over here my brother called because he was at home and couldn't get a hold of my SIL. So we had him come over so he could tell our parents. Right after he told them he got a phone call from the sheriff. They wanted him to come in. So our parents took him in and are in full support of him getting the help that he needs. My mom though is saying that his best friend shouldn't have turned him in because my brother and his wife were looking into getting help for him and my niece. I feel that his bf did the right thing. I am now torn because I want to support my brother getting help and I also want to support his bf in turning in my brother. My brother isn't in jail, they said because he was cooperating and everything they would keep his records sealed and he wouldn't have to register with the community as a sex offender just on the website. They haven't said anything about jail time as of yet, but they did say he was to be in no contact with his girls. He isn't allowed to talk to them on the phone, or write them letter, or see them. I really needed to talk to some one. My sister is trying to turn it all around to be about her and my dh is being very supportive to me and trying to help out my brothers bf. I just am at a point where I don't know what to do. But I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

[RedBedHead]

What a horrible situation. I am so sorry for the abuse that you have all encountered. I can understand your wanting to support your brother. But, the friend DID do the right thing. Your brother needs help and his friend was trying to ensure that he does indeed get it.
Your family will be in my prayers during this extremely difficult time.

[anon]

Yes I believe his friend did the right thing. I am glad his friend did tell the authorities. I feel that is the only way he will actually get the help that he needs.

[nicolef888]

I agree with what everyone has said above that your brother's bestfriend did the right thing. If he had not done this, the abuse could have gone on for years and years and who knows, he could have started doing this to his other children or even other people's children.

[B'sgirl]

That makes me want to throw up. He did the right thing. Protecting that girl is more important than anything else. If you just leave it up to the family to "get help" it may never happen. You should know the kind of damage the abuse causes and anything that can be done to stop it should be done.

[jessilee82]

I will admit, I read this this morning and had to leave and come back. It sounds like a horrible situation for your family.
After some thought and discussion with my mother(who was a victim of sexual abuse by her father) we've come up with this advice for you.
First and foremost, help your niece. Beyond your siblings, your parents, help your niece. Remember how horrible that was for you. Help her get therapy, be open with your experiences, help her heal.
Your brothers friend is a stronger person than me. If I'd caught something like that, I would have killed the adult. Good for him for holding it together and contacting the correct authorities.
Be supportive of your brother, but never, NEVER leave him alone with a child again. Male or female. My mom's Dad did something similar.. "I'm so sorry, I'll get help.." My mom is now 48 and her Dad just finished a 5 year sentence after being caught molesting his grandson(he remarried after mom's mom left him). It's something mis-wired in their brain. You can't change it. It will happen again.
I know I sound mean and harsh, I don't mean it that way, I'm just trying to give you my/our advice. I wish your family the best. And hopefully your sister-in-law will come back, I'm sure she just panicked about losing her kid.

[anon]

Thank you so much. I really needed that today. My mom thinks that it wouldn't have happened if my brother hadn't been drunk but we found out that it has been going on since summer. I also believe that it would have happened if he wasn't drunk it would have just took longer for it to happen. I don't believe that his being drunk should be used as a crutch or a reason for people to light on him. If it was me who found him I would have killed him or done my best to try. I am a god fearing woman, but there is only so much a person can see/take before they snap and I can't handle to see a child get hurt by some one bigger/older. I know I will never look at my brother the same again. As much as I try it is totally different. I will make it work because I love him and I am glad that he is now turning towards our church for help/support. Having girls of my own I will always watch that he never gets to spend time with them alone. I have also agreed to baby sit his children while his wife is at work. So that she can take on more hours. Our schedules fit perfectly together that when I am home she is at work, so I can pick up slack where her normal baby sitter won't. My brothers court date is scheduled for next friday I do believe. If he is sent to jail, which I am sure he will be I will also be helping my SIL move to a lower rent house. I am hoping that he will be able to get work release so that they don't lose everything they have worked so hard to get because that would be unfair to the children to have to do with out because of their father's mistake. I do believe that my brother will keep his marriage together, and I am happy that he will. I also know if I were in the same position as my SIL there would be no way I would be able to take him back or even want him around me. I really just needed to get it off my chest and get input on a horrible situation from people who aren't involved personally. Thanks to all who gave input and I will make sure I keep everyone up to date on everything.

[KeelyKay]

I'm so sorry your family is going through this situation. I don't have any advice re: your brother (I would have told him to shove something somewhere the second I found out), but I do think you're a strong person for supporting him. Just try to be there for your niece. She'll appreciate having your support... especially since you've been there.

I hope everything works out.

[pink_elephant]

Originally Posted by jessilee82

I will admit, I read this this morning and had to leave and come back. It sounds like a horrible situation for your family.
After some thought and discussion with my mother(who was a victim of sexual abuse by her father) we've come up with this advice for you.
First and foremost, help your niece. Beyond your siblings, your parents, help your niece. Remember how horrible that was for you. Help her get therapy, be open with your experiences, help her heal.
Your brothers friend is a stronger person than me. If I'd caught something like that, I would have killed the adult. Good for him for holding it together and contacting the correct authorities.
Be supportive of your brother, but never, NEVER leave him alone with a child again. Male or female. My mom's Dad did something similar.. "I'm so sorry, I'll get help.." My mom is now 48 and her Dad just finished a 5 year sentence after being caught molesting his grandson(he remarried after mom's mom left him). It's something mis-wired in their brain. You can't change it. It will happen again.
I know I sound mean and harsh, I don't mean it that way, I'm just trying to give you my/our advice. I wish your family the best. And hopefully your sister-in-law will come back, I'm sure she just panicked about losing her kid.

I'm glad you were able to write... it makes it easier for me to write.

My mom's dad molested her and 2 of her 3 sisters. He later remarried (my mom's mom died before I was born) and wife #2 was a foster mom. She never listened to my mom and aunts about their dad and yep, he molested again. Not only that, he took advantage of his stepdaughter (she was legally an adult, but limited capabilities) and she had his baby but he scared her into not telling. She had another baby not long after but said she had no idea who the dad was. Mom's dad eventually adopted her boys because she was found unfit. My mom and her sisters had no idea (he was in another state). He died 4 1/2 years ago.... but that was the only thing that made him stop. I was molested as a child (by relatives) and later raped as a teen. My mom was too blinded by her own issues to see it. When she was confronted with the family molestation,. she nearly lost it... she blamed herself some but my dad (we were visiting him on those weekends) even more. Then... it was all just dropped for a long time. I have MAJOR sexual issues and really coudl have benefited from counseling when I was younger. I have gone sporadically now, but I have already done so many self-destructive things.

PLEASE help ensure your neice gets help!

[B'sgirl]

A friend of mine was molested by her older brother when they were both younger. It was only a few times, but nobody believed her at first. It took an obvious scream in the shower and a brother running out before anyone believed her. But it never happened again. Both she and her brother have recovered completely. Her brother is now a very active member of his church and has a good marriage and healthy children.

I say that just to let you know there is hope. By all means, make sure the children he is around are protected. Just know that people have an amazing ability to change when they put their mind to it.