Help

[HeavenLeigh]

You can only do what you can. You can only help those that want help.
When ppl hurt inside they lash out at those they love. Your niece is lashing out. Some of it is normal teenage hormones, but most of it is because of the abuse. She has feelings that she doesn't know how to handle and she does things out of spite, anger, and confusion.
My only advice, keep telling SIL to talk to the therapist. You could call and tell him/her what is going on. I know they won't tell you anything, but I'm sure the therapist would be greatful to know what's going on. If this isn't taken care of soon it will become a way of life for her over the years and only get worse. Good luck

[B'sgirl]

So sorry things are getting so difficult! You are right in not tolerating disrespect. She needs firm limits to help her cope. But at the same time just make sure she knows that you love her and are there for her. Abuse can really cause a person to feel worthless and unloved--which causes them to do things like steal, disrespect people, get into drugs, etc. She really does need a lot of understanding and support right now.

[anon]

Today my brother was sentenced. He is serving five years without the eligibility for good behavior release. He is going to be put into prison with other men who have committed like crimes. They wanted to do a sentence of life. So he got off pretty easy. My mom has flipped. She is taking it really hard. I have been left out of the loop due to me refusing to baby sit for them. Things have gone from bad to worse with my niece. First she sends pictures (saying it is her in the picture) of some one lifting their shirt and bra on her cell phone to my BIL's friend's little brother. I borrowed the phone and took the phone to my mom. My mom showed the picture to my SIL and she says "It can't be her she doesn't have that big of a chest." What???? Nothing gets done to her. Not a talking to or anything. She is thirteen passing have naked pictures of some one off as herself trying to get a boyfriend. My SIL sees nothing wrong with that?? I am so stressed right now I feel as though my head could explode. My SIL is going to have her hands full if she doesn't start disciplining those girls. She needs to be a parent, she can be an understanding parent but she still needs to set down rules and start instilling better morals into those girls. If my niece keeps it up she will probably end up pregnant before she is 18 and realizes why she is acting like she is. I can't reach her and I think the only one who could would be her mom.

[IUgrad02]

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. I understand why you're trying to help though; I was always trying so hard to help students of mine who were troubled, and they weren't even family. It hurts to see teenagers making poor choices with no one there to help them when they fall... especially when you know background like the situation here.... You're trying to help, and that is all you can do.

[HeavenLeigh]

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. Maybe it would be best for the time being to remove yourself from the situation. Take a breather from all the family that are stressing you. I know you love them and want to help and that's wonderful, but it really is out of your hands. Good luck, I wish you and your family the best.

[anon]

Thanks guys it really feels good to be able to just talk about it. I don't feel that I can with my family because I seem to be the only one that thinks he should go to jail for what he did. My mom is making excuses for him and that really upsets and hurts me. She keeps saying that it was the drugs and alcohol that made him do it. If that is true then maybe she should start saying that about the man who did it to me. I just don't think there should be that double standard even if it is your child. If the man who done it to me wouldn't have died I am sure she would have fought to get him as much time in jail as possible. I know it is hard to see fault in your own child but if you want him to get help he needs to pay for what he has done. I also found one piece of information out that will rest your minds (it certainly did mine) When my brother gets out of jail he will not be allowed to move back in with his family. One all the kids are out of the house he can move back in with my SIL. Of course I really don't know what is going on in her mind because if it would have been me finding out my husband did that to my child when I was six months pregnant (and even if I wasn't pregnant but we all know what those pregnancy hormones do) I would have killed him with my bare hands. I can't understand how she can stay with him. I went to the website yesterday to see what was going on with him. He can't have visitors for six to eight weeks. They are processing and evaluating him to see where they will place him. I am still kind of lost for how I feel about this whole thing. I guess because the only person I can count on to talk to is dh and he feels the same way I do. Of course he is also a man and feels once you talk about something once it is over and there is no need to rehash something over and over. I guess I never really got closure because I didn't get to tell him goodbye before he went to prison. I don't know. I am just feeling pretty lost.

[anon]

Originally Posted by anon

I also found one piece of information out that will rest your minds (it certainly did mine) When my brother gets out of jail he will not be allowed to move back in with his family. One all the kids are out of the house he can move back in with my SIL.

It is suppose to be *once*

[B'sgirl]

What a horrible situation. I can see why it is hard for your mom to blame her son though. I think about my son and I would never want to believe he would do something like that. I think although it's probably not right, it's natural for a mom to want to believe that it's not her son's fault. I can also see your SIL still wanting to live with him. It's hard to be left alone. Again, she doesn't want to believe that your brother is a bad person (and maybe he isn't but he sure made some absolutely terrible choices). But wives can become very dependent on their husbands. Even when husbands are abusive to their wives, many still don't want to leave them because they don't want to be alone. Again, maybe it's not right, but I can at least understand them feeling the way they do. It's easier for you to see the black and white, right and wrong, because you are somewhat removed from the situation. Hugs to you though!!! I know it must be so hard for you!!!