This is a letter on behalf of all pregnant women who would appreciate if you would pay attention to what I have to say. I’m sure all you big mouths out there mean well, but when you open your trap to a pregnant woman and get the look of daggers, don’t be surprised. There are just certain things that should not be said. Granted, there will be some super easy going women that don’t get insulted, but hormones are on the rise and you just never know what is going to put someone’s panties in a bunch (and trust me, that’s not too comfy when your butt is the size of a billboard). Better to be safe than sorry! So please take my advice and do not say the following:

5. What are you having?

A donkey. An elephant. A dinosaur, maybe? Umm, I’m having a human baby, dummy! Yes, I know you just want to know the sex of my baby, but unless you are a good friend and know that I will be finding out the gender of my child, why do you even care?

4. You’re still pregnant?

Trust me, no one wants this baby out more than I do. Pregnancy is a loooong event. It is almost a year. Chances are if you see me often, I am going to be pregnant for many of those times.

3. Are you sure you want to eat that?

Yes, I’m sure, otherwise, I wouldn’t be eating it. Are you sure you want to eat THAT??? I don’t comment on what you consume, why are you bothering me? And do not mention the phrase “eating for two”. It’s just stupid.

2.You better catch up on your sleep now!

I really hate this one. It doesn’t even make sense. You can’t store sleep in your body or sleep now to make up for being sleep deprived in a few months. We get it. Babies don’t sleep. What I don’t get, is why people feel the need to tell a pregnant woman the “bad” things that are to come. No one wants to hear it.

and the number one thing you should not say to a pregnant woman is…..

1. You are HUGE!

Really? Wow, I had no idea that this alien was invading my body and making my nose spread across my face, giving me cankles, a giant arse, and tremendous breasts. Oh yeah, and that massive growth in my abdomen. Thanks for pointing that out!

Sincerely,
A woman’s best friend

So here’s what happened. I was in a mommy and me class with my second son. He was definitely under a year old so it should have been obvious to me that this woman was probably not pregnant. Anyway, we were chatting it up and talking about our kids and I was like “oh and you are having another!” I didn’t even ask. I said it all confidentally like it was fact. Imagine my surprise and mortification when she said “no I’m just fat”. And me the moron was like “oh no you’re not, you are so skinny, you just have a belly so I thought………blah blah blah”. I needed to just shut up right then and there before I made things so much worse! I appologized and she was totally nice about it, but from that moment on I swore (again) that I would never ever ever ask or even mention pregnancy to a woman unless she told me she was pregnant first.

When I was pregnant, a friend gave me the book Margarita Mama - mocktails for moms to be. It has a ton of great recipes, but let’s be honest….you don’t always feel like taking out 27 ingredients and blending together a drink that only you are going to enjoy.

Enter Crystal Light, the brilliant company that makes those super convenient, delciously low-calorie, zero-fat, zero-carb drinks. Well, now they make mocktails!! For real! They come in Margarita, Appletini, and Mojito. Each packet makes an entire 20 oz pitcher. Honestly it’s weird drinking them because they taste so legitimate and I wonder why I am drinking a pitcher of Margaritas and not feeling drunk. I suppose when your nine months are over and it’s ok to indulge a little, you can add alcohol, but I’ve yet to try it.

What about you? Has anyone tried Crystal Light Mocktails? What did you think? What do you think about drinking in moderation during pregnancy? Or do you have a great mocktail recipe of your own? Let me know in the comments or check out what all the other moms are saying about drinking alcohol while pregnant over at the mama meetup forums.

Questions to ask care provider(s) –

About You and Your Pregnancy:

What is my due date?
What is the size of my uterus?
Is the placement of the sac where it should be?
Are the symptoms I’m experiencing normal?
Are the lack of symptoms I’m not experiencing anything to be concerned about?
Does s/he have specific recommendations concerning weight gain, exercise and diet?
What things should I avoid?
What kinds of exercise are ok and which are possibly dangerous?
Is sleeping on my back as bad as some books say?
What are his/her thoughts on sex during pregnancy?
How often will s/he see me during pregnancy?
What does a typical prenatal office visit consist of? (urine sample, weighing in, listening to heartbeat, etc)
How often does s/he do vaginal exams?
What is his/her recommendation/practice for the use of ultrasound?
Does s/he offer alternatives to ultrasound? (e.g. fetoscope)
How often will an ultrasound be performed?
Does s/he recommend certain pre-natal classes? Which ones?
Is s/he open/supportive of me attending Lamaze, Bradley &/or others?
Will s/he be in town around my due date?

About the Careprovider:
How long has the doctor/midwife been in practice?
When and where did s/he receive training?
Does s/he have references?
What sources of information does s/he recommend?
What is his/her general philosophy concerning pregnancy and birth?
Why did s/he decide to become a doctor/midwife?
Does s/he have any children? How were they born?
How many babies does s/he deliver per week/month/year?
What percentage of his/her patients does s/he deliver him/herself?
What percentage of his/her patients start labor spontaneously?
Which hospitals/birth centers does s/he have privledges at?
Does s/he do homebirths?
If a physicain, does s/he use a nurse practitioner for visits?
Who does s/he share on-call duties with? What is the rotation schedule?
How long have the others been in practice?
Will I be seen by every practitioner with whom s/he rotates?
Do I have a choice about who I see?
Will other practitioners respect the agreements that are made between me and the dr/midwife?
What are his/her guidelines for a “normal” vs. “high-risk” pregnancy?
What is his/her definition of a high-risk pregnancy?
Does s/he return calls personally, or ask a nurse/receptionist to call me back?
How does s/he feel about partners being involved at prenatal exams and during labor and birth?
Is s/he open to me hiring a doula or monitrice (personal private duty nurse)?
How does s/he regard written Birthing Plans? Are they respected?
What is his/her policy on induction if I go beyond my due date?
How long beyond term, for what reasons and what percentage of women does s/he induce?

About Testing:
What routine tests does s/he require?
What tests does s/he usually perform on a woman with my background (age, history of m/c, etc.)?
Ask him/her to explain fully each test that will be performed (CVS, Alpha Fetal Protein, hCG, etc.).

About the Hospital/Birthing Center:

Is there a facility you prefer? Why?
When can I take a tour of the facility? (Doing so may answer most of these questions for you).
When a mother arrives in labor what standard procedures are done?
Is there a one-room option in which I can labor, give birth and recover?
Is this room always staffed?
What are the features of the birthing room? (dim lights, tape player, tv, etc.)
What is the nurse to patient ratio? (according to ACOG, one nurse for two women in early labor, and then one to one for those in the pushing stage is ideal)
Does the hospital have a policy on required use of Electronic Fetal Monitoring during labor?
If so, what is the required length of time?
Can this be waived or reduced?
Do you have a squat bar or birthing chair?
Do the beds break down?
Are water births done at the facility?
Is there access to a whirlpool/tub for those in labor?
What percentage of mothers go without chemical pain relief?
What is the hospital’s cesarean rate?
What is the epidural rate?
Can my partner and/or doula be with me at all times, including in the operating room, if I have a c-section?
How many other people can I have with me at all times? (a doula, friend, relative, etc).
Will my baby be with me at all times while I’m in the facility?
Is video taping allowed?
Is there a place for my partner to lay down or sleep somewhere during labor?
Can my partner spend the night in my room if he wishes to (after the birth)?
Is there a lactation consultant on staff?
Is she accredited?
Is she full time or part time?
Is she on call to be available for me, when I need her?
Will I automatically get to meet with her? When?
When can family and guests visit me?
Is there an age limit on visitors? Does that apply to my own children?
Is there free parking?
How soon after birth can/must I leave the facility?
What is the average cost or vaginal birth? Cesarean birth?

About Labor & Delivery:
At what point in labor does s/he recommend coming to the birth center?
Do you have different recommendations for women who want less interventions and fewer medications?
How long does s/he allow women to labor before starting interventions?
How soon after I start labor will the doctor/midwife come to see me?
How much time will s/he spend with me when I’m in labor?
What is the dr’s c-section rate? (suggested that dr’s not limited to high risk pregnancies should not exceed 15%)
What is the c-section rate of his/her colleagues with whom he/she shares on-call responsibilities?
For what reasons does s/he perform cesarean sections?
Does s/he do vaginal breech births?
Will s/he encourage and attempt external version (turning a breech before birth)?
Does s/he encourage VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean)?
Does s/he require IVs during labor?
What is his/her recommendation for the use of the EFM (fetal monitor)? Continuous? Can doppler be used instead?
How often does s/he do vaginal exams during labor?
Does s/he do episiotomies?
When, why and on what percentage of women?
How often do your clients give birth with intact perimeums?
Does s/he ever use warm compresses or perineal massage instead of/prior to episiotomies?
What does s/he recommend to help me avoid an episiotomy?
What percentage of mothers go without chemical pain relief?
What percentage of his/her patients have epidurals?
Can my partner/doula be present during the amdinistration of epidural anesthesia?
Other drugs?
What is his/her standard IV medication?
What is his/her policy for using Pitocin in labor?
When, why and on what percentage of women do you use it?
In what percentage of mothers is pitocin used to help expell the placenta?
What percentage of mothers have manual help delivering the placenta?
Does s/he use pictocin routinely after birth?
How does s/he handle a long labor?
What is your policy when labor ‘stalls’, are there time limits?
What does s/he do when dilation is slow?
Does s/he use vacuum extraction or forceps? Under what conditions?
On what percentage?
How does s/he handle premature rupture of the membranes at term? (PROM)
What is his/her policy concerning artificially rupturing or stripping membranes?
How often is stripping of membranes used to help start labor? And is it done with the mother’s knowledge and consent?
What percentage of mothers have their water broken artifically?
What is his/her policy concerning interventions after my water breaks?
Do you encourage the mother to push whether or not the urge is felt?
Am I allowed to touch my perinial area during birth?
Does s/he allow showering and/or bathing during labor?
Can I use a warm bath for pain relief in labor, even if my water has broken?
How do you feel about water births?
Is video taping allowed?
Can my partner and/or doula be with me at all times, including in the operating room, if I have a c-section?
How many other people can I have with me at all times? (a doula, friend, relative, etc).
Can I have my well prepared and attended children with me during birth?
Does s/he allow food and drink during labor?
Does s/he encourage women in labor to walk, squat or be in positions they find helpful during labor?
Does s/he have a set position they want me to birth my baby in?
Do I have a choice of positions? What laboring positions are recommended?
Is the partner allowed to catch the baby?
What happens to the baby immediately after birth? How long does s/he wait to cut the cord and deliver the placenta?
Does s/he allow the partner to cut the cord if that is requested?
Can I breastfeed immediately after birth?
If the baby needs the immediate care of a pediatrician, how is this handled?
How soon after birth can/must I leave the facility?

About Baby After the Birth:
What percentage of babies have suction used to clear airways?
How often are warmers used?
Do you allow the vernix to be rubbed in rather than washed off?
Can the family be allowed some bonding time before routine exams are given?
Can examination of baby be done while still held by parents?
Is weighing done in the room?
What is used and when is eye care done, can it be delayed?
What is his/her view of breastfeeding?
Does s/he encourage women to breastfeed?
What is his/her view of circumcision?
When, why and on what percentage of boys does s/he do circumcision?
Does s/he use anesthesia for circumcision?
Will s/he participate in religious rituals regarding circumcision?
How soon after going home, and how often thereafter, does the dr. see the mother and baby?

As I hold your hand basking in the glow of our magical relationship,
I suddenly feel a kick from within,
as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder:
How could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you.
I watch the pain you feel at having to share me,
as you’ve never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way,
“Please love only me.”
And I hear myself telling you in mine,
“I can’t,” knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you.
I almost see our new baby as an intruder
on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing,
I find myself attached to that new being,
and feeling almost guilty.
I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him.
–as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change,
first to curiosity, then to protectiveness,
finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine.

The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.
But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two.
There are new times–only now, we are three.

I watch the love between you grow,the way you look at each other,touch each other.
I watch how he adores you–as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you,
I’ve given something to you.

I noticed that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered,
to my amazement…
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you–
only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time,
I now know you’ll never share my love.
There’s enough of that for both of you
–you each have your own supply.
I love you–both
and I thank you for blessing my life.

-author unknown

At the hospital:

I had DH spend as little time as possible at the hospital with me and Jett. I wanted him to be with Jax so that he didn’t feel like mommy and daddy were abandoning him to go have another baby. I actually really enjoyed the quiet time at the hospital by myself. It was really nice and it gave me time to bond with Jett 1 on  1.

I sent Jett to the nursery for a few hours during the night so I could get some sleep. As you well know, pushing out a baby is hard work and your body is exhausted. Plus we all know how “on call” you are going to be for like…..forever….so get the rest while you can. You can trust the nurses at the hospital to watch the baby for a few hours so you can sleep. Believe me, it feels great. I didn’t think I could do it, but I did and I was glad.

Have your husband, mom, dad, whoever your other child is going to be with, bring him or her to the hospital as soon as possible. Let them spend lots of time bonding with the new baby and getting lots of love and attention from mommy.  This is something that we couldn’t do. Unfortunately Jax had a cold and the nurses strongly advised against having him in close contact with the baby. This was very hard on all of us.

When your child walks into your hospital room, make sure you are not holding the baby. I think it is important to have your arms free and open wide, ready for your “big” baby to give you a huge hug and kiss. Remember he/she has been separated from you for a while and they miss you. Make him/her feel secure that mommy is still theirs.

Have big brother (or sister) bring a gift for their new sibling. Also make sure that the baby has something special for big brother/sister too.

Make a big deal about your first child being a big sibling and how special and important they are. Make sure they know that the baby is not a replacement of them, but I think it is important to also let your older child know that the baby is special and important too. Try to emphasize the bond between siblings, that they share the same mommy and daddy and that you are all a family!

A cute idea I had (after the fact) was to let your first child pick out something special for mommy when they come to the hospital. Maybe some flowers or an edible treat that they can give to you and feel proud of.

I think that basically the most important thing to do is make sure that your older child doesn’t feel left out, ignored, or replaced. Let them be involved as much as possible and make them feel as excited about the new addition to the family as you do.

Pregnancy: Pregnancy alone is some sort of a sideshow act. A woman in the first trimester of pregnancy could be called, “The Incredibly Hormonal, Cookie-Tossing Woman. Someone in the second trimester might be referred to as, “The Incredibly Expanding, Time-Bomb,” and of course, the lucky third trimester advocate would be affectionately titled, “The Waddling, Pottying, Miserable Houseboat.” For all the women who thorougly enjoy pregnancy for all 280 days, I don’t like you. Keep your glowing, belly patting, baby section browsing happiness to yourself. Unless, of course, you can pass some of whatever you took to feel that way in my direction.

Newborn-ness (it’s my word of the day, sue me): While there is immediate relief at the end of the pregnancy act, a whole new world of circus fun ensues. Perhaps a father in a cage with five ravenously hungry, poo-filled-diaper wearing, newborns on changing tables could replace the lion tamer. I personally would rather see a man change five poopy diapers in a row anyway.

What about the ridiculous cycle of trying to get a baby to eat, changing diapers, and praying that little angel will sleep long enough to reduce the eye baggage? I bet I could do it all on horseback. If I couldn’t (everybody knows I couldn’t), I’d certainly pay to see somebody who could!

Mobility: Napping is hard no matter how old a child is. “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” Bite me, Doc. Baby only sleeps when he/she knows mom has something else she needs to do. Add in rolling, crawling, walking, running, jumping, and climbing; naps are priceless!

Toddlerism (another WOTD) through the point of becoming a Grandparent: They know it all (my two-year-old sure thinks he does), they think we know nothing, yet they still want/need/expect (pick your poison) mom and dad to do everything for them anyway. However, as I’m reminded by my own dear mother every time she gets the chance, grandchildren turn children into respectful, knowledge seeking parents. I have to agree with the knowledge seeking part at least.

-KeelyKay

On Wednesday, August 20, I went in for my 38 week appointment and was a good 3, almost 4 centimeters dilated. Thursday night I started getting contractions. They ranged in frequency anywhere from 5-20 minutes apart, but never stayed regular. The next day, they continued all day long. My family and friends were pressuring me to go get checked out. I kept hearing stories of women getting to the hospital and being told they were 7, 8, 9 centimeters and it freaked me out. I was definitely feeling contractions, but they weren’t horribly painful at all. Everyone says you should wait until they are too hard to talk through or are 5 minutes apart for an hour. This was not the case for me.

I was getting stressed that I would go into labor in the middle of the night and we would have to worry about Jax and what to do with him. I finally decided on Friday evening, August 22, that we should go to the hospital and see what was happening. It was a gut feeling. So, we collected our bags, brought Jax to my parents’ house and off we went. The outpatient entrance was empty and we were sent right up to triage. I was hooked up to the monitors and given an internal exam. I was 6 centimeters!!!! Woah – did not expect that as I was still not in any pain. My contractions were so irregular and I was not making progress. I was so afraid they were going to send me home. Turns out that I WISH they would have sent me home. The night sucked!

After a biophysical ultrasound, which my son almost failed, and several hours of being monitored and probed, they decided to admit me. They wanted to see how I’d progress over night. I asked if I could walk around and try to get things going, but I was hooked up to the monitors and an IV so they didn’t want me to move. At 4:30 a.m. I had finally had enough and basically demanded that they unleash me and let me WALK!!! DH and I walked around the halls. It did nothing.

At 7 a.m., I was still 6 cm and my contractions were still irregular and not painful. I was absolutely starving having not eaten since lunch the day before, I had a horrendous headache and was very very cranky. I wanted to get the show on the road already.  Finally at about 7:30 a.m., they administered pitocen. Even though I was not in pain yet, I knew that the pitocen would really kick things off so I asked for an epidural.

It was really strange to not feel any pain. My legs were extremely numb and heavy from the epi and it was very uncomfortable, but I think it was better than being in pain. It takes about an hour for the pit to start working and once it did, well, things moved QUICKLY. My water broke and I went from 6-10 centimeters in about 20 minutes. At this point, I could feel my contractions on my left side. They were extremely painful, but didn’t last very long so I was ok. I couldn’t believe how fast everything was happening. The doctor came in and I literally pushed through 3 or 4 contractions and my precious new son, Jett Ryan, was born at 10:40 a.m on Saturday, August 23!!! He weighed 7 lb 1 oz and was 20.4 inches long.

She did tell me that if I haven’t had this guy by Tuesday, that I can just come to the hospital at 6-7 a.m. and they’ll admit me and keep me. Since I’m already pretty dilated, it won’t be an issue. I’m hoping it happens before then because I couldn’t even get an appointment to see her next week. I’m seeing the Midwife who works in the practice, which is fine, but it’s disappointing that I don’t have an appointment with her, if I am still pregnant!!

I actually have been having contractions all afternoon and they seem to be somewhat regular, but not close enough together to be actual labor just yet. I’ll keep you all posted….

When we first found out she was having a girl, we decided to “betrothâ€? her with one of my sons. However, we didn’t know which one, considering they are exact opposites. Robbie – my older son with dark hair and eyes – is high maintenance and very particular. The typical first born. Andrew – the younger – is laid back and always laughing. He’s my little Rastafarian, only blonde haired and blue eyed. So we decided that the boys will have to win her. Yes, win her. Forget compatible personalities and complimenting looks; they’re going to duel. When of proper age, Scarlet will be hidden away in a cottage in an enchanted forest, and my baby boys – I mean, the MEN – will have to overcome obstacles to obtain her hand in marriage. Each will battle a magical creature (you know, a dragon, hippogriff, etc.), engage in a verbal warfare with a sarcastic elf, and upon triumphing, will be rewarded with clues. The first clue will lead them to a key that opens the cottage, and the second clue will lead them to an engagement ring. The first boy (forget it, I can’t refer to my toddlers as men yet) to successfully defeat each obstacle and rescue her from the cottage wins.

Having that said, I find it ironic to say that neither she nor I read many books about pregnancy or childbearing. Oh, we read books. Obviously. But they were generally about boy wizards that attend Hogwarts, or lions that rule in the land of Narnia. We of course read What To Expect When You’re Expecting, and another one I read was called On Becoming Baby Wise. I have heard both ends of the spectrum – that every child is different and therefore, parents can’t rely on books to train them, and I’ve heard that books better prepare us for parenthood. So I have two questions. 1.) What books did you read and would recommend for other parents to read? And 2.) How important do you believe it is to read books before having a baby?