I was having lunch with my two sons and a friend and her son and daughter. All four kids were actually sitting down at the table, which you know if you have young children is clearly a big accomplishment.

So up walks another mom with her new baby girl and her mother (“the grandma”). They know my friend so they were chatting for a while, until the grandma says “Oh, I hope that when my daughter has her 3rd baby, it is not a boy! 3 girls is better than 3 boys! I was a teacher and when the teachers heard there were more boys in the class, we all wanted to switch classes. I HATE boys!” and the insults kept on rolling…..

I have many many issues with this conversation that was happening. The top one being, that our three boys were sitting right there!!! They are not deaf. Neither are we. I clearly was sitting there at the table eating lunch with my two boys! My friend obviously has a boy too. I was in disbelief. Did this woman actually just say that? Did she really just outwardly say that she hates boys?

I could easily make this post about how wonderful boys are, but I don’t have to do that. All of the moms of boys I know, understand the magic it is of having sons. It’s indescribable. They are amazing and wonderful and so very special, just as I’m sure girls are. The love you have for your children (and grandchildren!) should have no gender attached. It’s just pure, unconditional love. Or so it should be…

I want to just put this out there to ask people to please think before you speak! Not only do you make yourself look like a total jerk (wow, I’m being kind with that word here), but most importantly, you don’t know whose ears your harsh words may fall upon. There were 3 sweet, innocent little boys sitting there at the table who probably did not hear this bitter old woman’s damaging words, but their adoring mamas sure did.

We are all given what we are given. We don’t have a choice, but we do have the choice to have a positive attitude and an open mind. Children are resilient and stronger than we often give them credit for, but they are also very sensitive and can detect what is going on around them. I think I hope for that future child to be a girl just so that she doesn’t have to feel grandma’s dislike and disappointment towards her. On the other hand, for grandma’s sake, I hope she gets a grandson. If she gives him a chance, I guarantee he will change her mind. She’ll be eating her words and saying  ”I love boys”, because I don’t know a single mom (or grandma) of boys that doesn’t!!

I’m sure that I lose 10% of my brain every time I give birth to a child. When I was a single college student I could remember the time and location of every class, when each paper was due, the number of pages, font size, format, etc. that was required for each paper, all of my friends’ phone numbers and birthdays, and what I had eaten for dinner every night for the past two weeks.

Now? I can hardly remember my own birthday, what I ate for breakfast, what time piano lessons are, and I don’t even know my husband’s phone number (okay, maybe cell phone quick-dial is to blame for that one). I know I was busy in college—probably just as busy as I am now. So what is the difference?

It’s me. Or more accurately, it WAS me. Now it is them. When I was single I only had to worry about one person—me! Sure I had family and friends, but I was only responsible for myself. I never had to take on more than I felt I could handle. If I needed a break I could take one whenever I wanted, even if it meant cutting class.

Now? Not a chance! Some days there is no me! There is no such thing as a quiet moment. There is no such thing as cutting class. There is not even such a thing as a good night’s rest. Do you remember that old tv show from the 90’s, “Out of This World”? Oh that I could simply touch my fingers together and freeze the rest of the world for a little while like Evie could. But alas, my father is not an alien (I think). And I do not have any superpowers (except the power of not getting grossed out by super smelly diapers). So what do I do about it?
I have found three things that help me feel like I have at least some of my brain left:

1. Prioritize. For awhile there I couldn’t say no to anything. I wanted to do everything: be the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect daughter, the perfect citizen…you get the point. There was always time for just a little bit more. Until there wasn’t. Then I realized that the real challenge in life was not choosing good over bad, it was choosing good over good. I had to evaluate the many, many good things I was involved in and decide what was most important right now. It didn’t mean I had to stop them forever, but I could not go on doing everything and expect to maintain my sanity.

I decided that my children were infinitely more important than anything else I was doing. They are very young and until they become more independent most of the activities outside the home have to be pared away. The community orchestra can wait. The volunteer boards can wait. Many of my political involvements can wait. I’ll go back, but I will go back with my children, not at their expense.

2. Organize. I never relied on a planner in college, but now I cannot function without the alarms and notifications on my electronic calendar. If it doesn’t get into my calendar, I don’t remember it. (The real challenge for me is entering the information in correctly!) Somewhere amid all the demands I have to take enough to time to make a plan so that when I do get a few moments alone I don’t waste all my time surfing Facebook. (Note that I said all my time. I confess I waste plenty of time there, but that is part of point number three).

3. Bring the “ME” back into the picture. I often allow myself to get pushed out of my own life. My kids have needs all day long, and when I finally get them to bed, my husband has needs. And then I finally doze off to sleep and my nursing baby has needs. It gets kind of hard to fill everyone else’s bucket if your own is empty. There is an Old Testament story where the prophet Elijah visits an old widow who is about to use the last bit of oil and flour in her barrel to make bread for her and her son. She feeds it to Elijah at his request and the bottom-of-the-barrel items miraculously feed the three of them until the famine is over. This is not that kind of bucket. You are not feeding Elijah. You need to fill your bucket. When you start snapping at your kids or your hubbie for really stupid things (like helping you load the dishwasher the wrong way), its time.

Forget them. Do what it takes to fill your bucket. Turn on a movie and go take a shower. Shut yourself in your bathroom with your iPhone and your Facebook app (see, I told you it would come up). Get a babysitter and go out to lunch with some friends. Go workout. Do something you love. (Or call your mom and whine—if you can’t escape the whining, neither can she). It’s best to fill your bucket before you reach the snapping point though. When you prioritize and plan, make sure to include yourself in the plan.

The bottom line is being a stay-at-home can be hard! (Anyone who thinks being a stay-at-home mom means lounging around watching soaps all day is deluded). But it is also extremely rewarding. The trick is to make sure that you take care of your family including you. Do not leave yourself behind.

Michelle L. King is the author of “Barrett’s Unusual Ice Cream Party”, and “Mr. Percy’s Mysterious Glasses”. She has a degree in Early Childhood Education and is a former Kindergarten teacher. She lives in Logan, Utah with her husband and three children. You can find her work at www.MichelleLKing.com.

Many times when you have kids, they become your shadow. Sometimes it feels like just you and your little shadow everywhere you go. Motherhood can be lonely for a new mom, but it doesn’t have to be. You’ve got your little baby. Embrace it! Seek out the friendship and camaraderie of other moms in the same position. Soon enough, your little shadow will be in the distance and you will wish they were right under your feet again.

Not your average mommy shoe

But during that time when I felt like I couldn’t take anymore of the kids by myself and I thought I’d go crazy, he would come home at night and then we had our time together. I could unload on him and relax and I had his company. I wasn’t alone.

Well, now my husband is away for the first time without me and for the past 4 days, I’ve gotten a dose of single-momdom, and it’s not easy at all.  If I was a single mom, I’d have to go to work on top of solely taking care of my kids and that is a big difference. A huge difference. I don’t know how you single moms do it. When my husband comes home tomorrow, I think I might just say hi and then go running for the hills. All the single mommies, you are seriously Rock Stars!

“Marcus didn’t come over today. ‘Parently he went to his grandma’s house.”

“’Parently my preschool teacher was sick today because a different teacher was in my class.”

He used it excessively and I thought it was so cute. I wondered where such a small child would learn to say that. Apparently I didn’t have to look very far, because that very night my husband pointed out how frequently I use the word “apparently.”

If only everything my children learned from me was that cute…

I work hard to talk to my children about how to handle situations that make them angry. We talk about what our bodies and voices should be doing when we are angry and role-play the correct responses. But no matter how well I teach my son he still seems to have anger-management issues. He becomes a raging maniac the minute his sister gets a hold of his Batman action figure. Why is that?

Apparently his mother has anger-management issues as well. (The phrase “stomp, stomp, SLAM!” would ring a bell for my siblings.)

That is what my child remembers when he gets angry. All of the fantastic lessons in the world will mean nothing unless I model the appropriate behavior for him when I am the one who is angry. Lectures may work sometimes, but Example is the most powerful teacher.

My dad is famous for his lectures and the family has a running joke of calling out a number every time he starts one (lecture number 12, quit picking at each other during church). Trying to remember them all would be like memorizing the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Does that mean my dad didn’t succeed at teaching me? Absolutely not. The things I learned from him are the things I watched him do every day: to love learning, to make time to play with my children, and much more. Some of those may have found their way into the Lecture List, but that’s not why I remember them.

It doesn’t matter what you want to teach your children. They will do what you do, both the good and the bad. Do you want your child to love math? He must see you studying math—and liking it. Do you want your child to be compassionate? He must see you show compassion. Do you want your child to control his temper? You must control your own, even when he is driving you crazy. Especially when he is driving you crazy!

If you are aware of what you are teaching your children by your example you will have a wonderful opportunity to influence them in ways you never imagined! Not only will those little mirrors be reflecting something you can be proud of, you will be learning and growing with them and will improve your own character in the process. Apparently.

Michelle L. King is the author of “Barrett’s Unusual Ice Cream Party”, and “Mr. Percy’s Mysterious Glasses” which will be released early 2012. She has a degree in Early Childhood Education and a former Kindergarten teacher. She lives in Logan, Utah with her husband and three children. You can find her work at www.MichelleLKing.com.

Really, your baby is the best. I want you to know this because it’s true. She is smart and beautiful and just the greatest thing since sliced bread….to you (and the grandparents, of course), that is! But really, your baby is awesome! All babies are awesome. Every new parent thinks their child is the best thing in the world. Everyone thinks their baby is extremely smart. Everyone thinks their baby is the absolute cutest baby on earth. Everyone thinks they love their baby the most. This is great and this is normal, but please realize that you are most likely the only one that feels this way about your own baby. Everyone else feels this way about theirs. The sooner you understand this, the better off you’ll be. Other mommies don’t like to hear you brag about how Einstein(ish) your baby is. He knows how to use the iPhone? Awesome. I bet their kid does too. If not, I guarantee he does something equally amazing that yours can’t do yet. It’s ok to talk about the cool things your kiddo does, but try not to go overboard to your other mommy friends. They will be rolling their eyes and commenting behind your back. Which brings me to my next point.

Mommies are Judgmental

You probably already know this if you are a mommy because you catch yourself doing it, don’t you? You see a mom feeding her kid Doritos and think to yourself “ugh, I will NEVER feed my child that garbage!”

(I just learned an interesting tidbit about Doritos – they have MSG in them. Children have a really hard time digesting MSG. Therefore I actually will try my very hardest to never feed them to my kids (notice how I didn’t say NEVER? I just said I’ll try. That’s another thing I’ll get to later) .

So back to the judgmental thing. How about that mom totally ignoring her screaming child at the playground? Are you wondering when she is going to notice and what is she going to do about it? Or how about the mom that is still breast feeding at a point that you find to be too late? Or the mom who never breastfed at all and gives her baby formula? Or the parents who co-sleep? Or the braggers? Or the…..you get the idea. My point is, be prepared to be judged about pretty much everything you do as a mom.

You will get a TON of unsolicited advice. You will feel insecure about some of your choices. Please try to remember, though, that YOU are the mommy and YOU make the final decisions. You know your child best and no one else can tell you what the right thing to do is. It’s wonderful to get advice and opinions from your well-meaning friends and family and I definitely encourage you to do so. Ask for help, ask for advice, do your research, but when it comes down to it, you have to be confident in your decisions and realize that no matter what you do, there will always be some people who think it should be done differently.

Never Say Never

We all idealize motherhood and how we will be as mothers….before we actually enter this realm. More than we know what we actually WILL do, we seem to have a big list of things we will NEVER do. I’ll tell you right now, you can throw out the list. Just kidding…sorta. It’s great to have an idea of the way you’d like to raise your child(ren) and the important values you plan to utilize in your parenting. The truth of the matter is that you can’t plan it out. Things happen, your knowledge expands, your experiences widen, and sometimes you change your mind. This is ok. This is good. It’s called growth! The reason I’m telling you this is so that you can keep an open mind and not be disappointed in yourself if you end up doing some of those things you said you’d never do. I’ve been there, done that (and I’m sure you’ll judge me on it). It’s not so bad.

What are some other things all you seasoned moms out there would like to tell the newbies? Please share!

When I got married, I was very much looking forward to starting a family with my husband and starting our life together. We waited 5 years to have children and I don’t regret that at all. However, when I did become a mother, my entire world changed. I had finally grown up and achieved what I had always dreamed about.

The amount of time that your children are young and need your full attention is such a short span of time in the scheme of life. I just can’t understand why anyone would look down upon a woman who takes on the enormous responsibility and privilege of raising her own children. I had children, I want to be the one who takes care of them. Simple as that!

My job will never be done, but as my children get older, they don’t need my time as much as they did when they were younger. The older they get, the time they need me around will get smaller and smaller. Why would I want to waste that precious time by being away from them when they are young and need me the most? It is the only time in our lives that we will have together like this. The bond you form with your kids in childhood is the basis for the bond you will have for the rest of your lives.

I can start working at any time, but I can never get that time back with my children. I’m so thankful that I have been able to spend it with them, growing with them, sharing with them, teaching them, loving them, and forming an immeasurable connection that can never be taken away.

To my favorite son, Jett: I love you the most. I love how kissable and squeezable you are. I love how outgoing and gregarious you are and how you say hello to everybody. You are so sweet and special. I love how you make me laugh and put me in a good mood. I love waking up to your voice calling me from your room and I love giving you that first big hug of the day. I love your adorable face and your adorable body. I love how you are such a fearless and confident little boy. You amaze me. You inspire me. I love how you look up to your big brother and think he is the coolest person on earth. I love to hear you say “I love you”. I love the way you speak and can’t pronounce everything correctly, but you still try. You are my absolute favorite.

Now for me, considering a third child is the biggest weight I’ve had to encounter. I’ve always wanted to have 3 kids. Since having our first, my husband has wanted to have 3 kids as well. Our #1 reason for not jumping into it is financial reasons, but I also worry about spreading myself too thin, not being able to provide enough attention and opportunities for my children, and to be honest, I wonder about how it would affect our family dynamics and even my relationship with my husband.

I just came across a book which provides selfish reasons for having more kids.

First, parents can sharply improve their lives without hurting their kids. Nature, not nurture, explains most family resemblance, so parents can safely cut themselves a lot of additional slack.

Second, parents are much more worried than they ought to be. Despite the horror stories in the media, kids today are much safer today than they were in the “idyllic” 1950s.

Third, many of the benefits of children come later in life. Kids have high start-up costs, but wise parents weigh their initial sleep deprivation against a lifetime of rewards – including future grandchildren.

Last, self-interest and altruism point in the same direction. Parents who have another child make the world a better place, so you can walk the path of enlightened selfishness with a clear conscience.

Interesting arguments, but not really enough to convince me to just “go for it”! Especially because for me personally, having children is the most selfless act possible. What are your thoughts?