In My Pocket

They say that having a baby changes everything.  Sure, it changes our work habits, sleep habits (oh how differently we sleep – or don’t sleep, after having a baby), it can change our marriage, our relationships, our finances; the list goes on.  But does it change YOU?   I sometimes wonder if having a baby actually changes who we are, or if it brings us closer to who we are meant to be?

There are times throughout the day that I will catch a glimse of myself in a mirror (usually while putting laundry away or fishing a favorite blanket out of the bathtub) and think, as I look at my dishelved ponytail and faded makeup…  What have I become?  I can’t take care of myself as well as I used to because I am taking care of others all day (and night!).  Makeup is a luxury and sleep is the new sex. My body has a softer curve after birthing two children.  I sometimes feel more like a waitress and housekeeper than a wife and mother.  I have lost so much of my independance, because of my childrens’ constant dependance on me.  My time is no longer my own.  I guess I am different now.

But I quickly get snapped out of my own thoughts when I hear my two year old utter through tears, “moooommyyyyy! boo boo!  Kiss it”.  And as I swoop her up and make the boo boo all better, I realize that I have become exactly who I am supposed to be: a mother.  This is my job, my life’s work.  I have purpose.  I have a quiet confidence now.  It is dirty and thankless, but it is the only thing that I have done in my entire life that fills me and makes me feel complete.  I have earned the badge of motherhood.   The angst that I used to have about finding happiness is gone.   I have found my truest, deepest, most honest happiness in being a mom.  Motherhood is what I have been yearning for all along.

So, in my pocket, I have a reminder. The next time I ask myself, “who have I become”?  I will reach into my pocket and pull out the simple answer.  I have become the person I was waiting to be.

- Deana