I may be crazy, but I’m strong too

My older son just asked me “mommy, why do you always yell at me?”.  I’m sure it’s because I lost my temper a few minutes ago and just came downstairs to apologize to him for “yelling” (after trying to calm my screaming baby upstairs), and not how he really views things.  However, it sucks, mostly because he has a point.

It’s not that I am always yelling, but I do recognize that I’m not exactly the always-lovable, patient, enthusiastic, and fun-loving mom that I used to be. It’s not intentionally his fault and I can’t expect a 3 year old to cut mommy some slack, but what am I supposed to do? It’s not natural to be “on” at all times of the day, especially when you get maybe a total of 5 hours of interrupted sleep a night (on a good day). I know sleep deprivation is just something that comes with the job, but how much and how long can it go on?  I’m on 4 years and counting……

Not to mention there is constant noise in my house and I am really sensitive to noises. I hate TV as a background noise (and my husband has this annoying habit of turning it on whenever he walks into a room). I rarely listen to music. I really just prefer it to be quiet. Jax doesn’t stop talking EVER, except when he is whining or crying. Not sure which is worse ( < — a joke -haha). Plus the sound of my baby crying because he is so darn overtired too, just does something really unpleasant to me. I know the kids aren’t doing it on purpose, but I honestly feel like they are plotting to kill me when they are both going at it at once.  The noise just grates on my nerves and throws almost all of my sanity out the window.

This all brings me to a great thread that was started yesterday about the expectations we had before becoming mothers. I didn’t and couldn’t imagine even an iota of how my life would change. I never expected to turn into such a strong person. My mom always tells me how amazing it is to see what an unbelievably strong woman I have become since having children.

So yeah, my kids make me crazy (or really the sleep deprivation and noise they create make me crazy), but they have also made me incredibly strong. Of course there are plenty of times that I lose my cool and don’t seem like mother of the year, but there are so many other times when despite the torture of not sleeping and the hecticness in my house when all I want is a little peace and quiet, I put on a happy face and do what I was put on this earth to do best. When I look at my children and I mean, really look at them, I know I AM doing my best and that they think so to.