We’ve all read the pregnancy books and we’ve attended the classes on labor and giving birth. We are well-versed in each stage of gestation and have the hospital’s maternity wing memorized. But no one told us what we would go through once that kid popped out of us, did they? Are you pregnant and under the impression that the moment Baby emerges, life goes completely back to normal? Well guess again, my friend, because if you think you have it rough now…(insert evil laugh here)

My intention isn’t to scare you, but to inform you so that you may be prepared. Though I experienced many things after having my first son, I will share the most pronounced, lest I write an entire book on the woes of post-natal life. So let’s begin with your stay at the hospital. You’ve just given birth – congratulations, you’re a parent, the pregnancy is over, you did it.

Now, get the diapers ready. And I don’t mean for Baby; I mean for you. If you give a vaginal birth (I refuse to refer to it as a natural birth, as there is nothing natural about a human being materializing painfully from your crotch), expect to hemorrhage heavily for up to six weeks. You won’t even be able to pee without having to cleanse yourself and change the triple-layered overnight pad the hospital has supplied you with. Granted, the bleeding slows each day, but know that it is normal to bleed for the first six weeks. If after six weeks you are still bleeding more than a tampon (or panty-liner, if you’re still too sore for tampons) can control, call your doctor or be sure to tell him/her at your six-week check-up.

Let’s talk about breastfeeding and those blatantly incorrect images we’ve all seen on TV where the child naturally latches on during the first try, and the mother smiles and cries and blubbers about how wonderful it is. This is a severe lie. There are very few women who have had breastfeeding experiences as this, and if any of you are reading this – I hate you. So after you try stuffing your sore nipple in your child’s mouth and comment on how you’re sure Baby is suffocating, you’ll wonder if Baby is even getting any milk. Suddenly, you’ll feel pain in your ovaries that feel just as bad as – if not worse - than contractions. You will swear loudly, and say that hellfire has combusted in your womb and ask for someone to hail for an exorcist and to hand you your rosary because Satan has entered your reproductive system. When this happens – Baby is breastfeeding absolutely correctly. And surprisingly enough, it’s not Lucifer; it’s your uterus contracting. You’ll hate it now, but you’ll be glad in a couple of months when your stomach shrinks back down to its normal size and you can fit into your skinny jeans again.

Moving on. So either Baby breast feeds or you resort to the bottle. Either way is fine. Colostrum begins morphing into breast milk around day three or four, and you will know this is happening because you’ll wake up in the morning and see that you have the breasts of a porn star. You will go to the bathroom and gawk at your massive rack, but upon a closer inspection, you see that it looks like someone shoved twenty-seven medium-sized stones into each one. You might swear again. Suddenly it feels like someone shoved stones into them. Now you will swear, because they are incredibly tender. This is called engorgement, and lasts about twenty-four to forty-eight hours. The best thing to do is to wear a nursing bra. Once the engorgement has past, you’re free of breast pain until you decide to stop breastfeeding, and you begin to dry up. Good luck.

The last thing I will touch on is the state of your emotions. Whether or not you experience post partum depression or baby blues is not guaranteed, but I can promise you that you will find yourself crying. A lot. You may cry because you’re elated. You may cry because it sounds like fun and you have nothing else to do. More than likely, you will cry with no reason whatsoever. Don’t be hard on yourself; it’s completely normal. In fact, indulge. Your hormones are dropping significantly every single day, and combine that with the life-changing event of having a baby along with your lack of sleep, and that’s reason enough to shed a few tears. This should only last roughly two weeks, but if you find yourself crying beyond that or if you feel like you’re experiencing post partum depression, please contact your doctor.

So there is a general run-down of the purgatory that is post-natal life. There are some things I’ve bypassed purposely and some that I felt weren’t necessary to mention. But all in all, don’t be scared. After all, most women continue to have more babies. And while you’re lying in your bed swearing up and down that you’ll never have another baby again, just remember that nothing lasts forever. You WILL heal completely, you WILL have sex again (yes you will!), and more than likely, you WILL want to give little Junior a brother or sister. We are women. We are built for this. Men suck.