Sometimes It Just Doesn’t Work Out

I’ve been having issues from the get-go with breast feeding my new baby. A week and a half ago, I wrote about him being too lazy to eat – basically couldn’t latch on correctly and continuously falling asleep. We tried and tried and tried. I took him for his 2 week check up on Monday (which was really 16 days past birth) and sadly he had lost weight since we were last there, 9 days before, to check on his weight and billirubin number. My poor baby is painfully thin and my doctor was extremely concerned.

Some of the reasons I chose this particular pediatrician is because he is supportive of my decision to delay or deny vaccinations and he is very pro-breastfeeding, in addition to being really great with my older son. I’m mentioning this so you all understand the fact that he actually listens to his patients and seems to truly care about what is best for them. That being said, at each appointment (I went every day for like 5 days) he kept encouraging me to continue breast feeding, but when we got to this last appointment and Jett had actually lost weight…not just hadn’t gained or gained slowly, but actually LOST weight, he told me from a medical standpoint that I should not continue. I was devastated.

As I sat there crying in my pediatrician’s exam room, he brought me tissues, sympathized with me, and gently explained that this just isn’t healthy for Jett. My child needs to gain weight and I’m not providing him with enough milk and/or calories to do so. I cried for two days. I don’t understand how I was able to feed and fatten up my oldest son for over a year, but I can’t do the same for my youngest one.

No wonder Jett was ALWAYS wanting to eat. I’m not exaggerating. I could sit there for an hour and a half trying to feed him and he would not be satisfied. Sometimes I would then even give him 2 ounces of formula and he still seemed frustrated and wanting to eat more. I’d put him down, thinking he was full and happy, and he’d fuss 5 minutes later. I feel terrible now, knowing he was literally starving.

Jumping to the positives, because I’m done being upset about it, he is a different baby now that he’s eating. He is soooooo good and happy. He is much more alert and rarely cries. I just have to keep telling myself that myself, my husband, most of my friends and actually most of my friends’ babies, were not breast fed and we are ALL fine. We are all happy, intelligent, healthy, functioning people and my baby will be the same. Formula is not poison. Bottle feeding is not evil. In fact, it’s pretty damn convenient and I’m actually enjoying it now that I’m getting used to it.

• Anyone can feed my baby, therefore anyone can watch my baby, at any time.
• DH gets to share night time feedings with me (and there are only 2 so it works out great!!)
• He’s on more of a schedule so I can expect exactly when he will want to eat and it’s not as often.
• I am not nearly as tired!!!
• I can tell how much he’s eating.
• I don’t feel tied down at all. Honestly all I did, all day long, was breast feed.
• I can now spend more time with my older son.
• I don’t have to worry so much about what I eat and drink.

Ok, I realize (almost) all of those reasons are completely and utterly selfish, but it is what it is (my new fave saying). I already know all of the benefits of breast feeding and the cons of bottle feeding and I know what I’m going to be missing, but I can’t change it.

I quit BFing cold turkey and the crazy thing is that my breasts did not even get that engorged. That is how low my milk supply was. I mean, they really really hurt, but they didn’t get that full and hard. What I’ve used to help with the pain/swelling:

• Extra strength tylenol every 4 hours
• Green cabbage leaves
• Ace bandage for binding (had to take it off after a few hours, it was too tight and painful
• Sports bras
• Breast pads

I’m hoping tomorrow I wake up with less or no pain. The physical reminder of what I’m giving up really bothers me. I’m starting to feel better all around though, so once this is past me, I am going to feel like a new person. I’m getting more sleep, post partum bleeding has really dwindled, and my spirits will be up once I know my baby has gained some weight!!