Q & A with Elizabeth Pantley

We were fortunate to get a question and answer session with popular parenting author, Elizabeth Pantley. She is most well known for her books “The No Cry Sleep Solution” and “The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers“. She currently released a new book called “The No Cry Discipline Solution” which I will be reviewing soon, so stayed tuned.

In the meantime, I hope these questions and answers may provide some helpful insight and solutions to your children’s behavioral and sleep challenges.

Hi Elizabeth, thank you so much for taking the time to answer these questions posed
by my readers! We are very excited about it and appreciate this a ton. So, let’s get started.

Q. Do you have any specific tips for getting a 3 year old to listen? I can
ask nicely and not until I raise my voice or explain something may be lost,
does she even react. Help! I’ve tried the eye level approach and explain
what I expect of her and she will comply for a short time and then wander
off and not listen when I ask her to come back (ie. at the park, walking in
the mall, sitting at the table, etc)

Q. I too need help with getting a 3 year old to listen to me. I have read
many books and tried many techniques. My 3 year old is VERY stubborn so when
he makes up his mind that he doesn’t want to do something then it’s almost
impossible to get him to change it-HELP!!!!

Q. I am also stumped on how to get my 3 yr old to listen. She is pretty
defiant when it comes to following directions.

A. It is obvious that this is typical three-year-old behavior! But “normal”
doesn’t mean it is fun – and it doesn’t mean you have to live with it! Here
are some tips for getting your little ones to listen:

Follow this sequence: Request. Wait. Act. — Visually locate your child.
Make a clear request. Wait three minutes. If your child doesn’t respond -
Act. For example, go to your child, take him by the hand, say, “When I call,
I would like you to come.” Then lead him to the desired location. If you do
this consistently he will know that you really do expect him to do what you
want him to do.

Keep your requests brief and to the point. The fewer words, and the more
specific your request the more likely your child will do as you ask.

And last, but not least – lighten up! Three-year-olds who don’t respond to
demands will often willing cooperate if you sing a song, make a sock talk
like a puppet, or challenge him to a race! Have some fun!
Hugs,
Elizabeth

Q. I am dealing with a very defiant, destructive 27 month old. If she is
doing something wrong, such as throwing blocks, and I start to come toward
her, the block throwing becomes more intense until I remove her from them.
Sometimes she’ll go into the bathroom, lift the lid, and start splashing.
Again, when I try to get to her to stop the behavior, the splashing gets
more intense.At this point I feel that she knows right from wrong. How do I
get her to stop doing the wrong things repeatedly?

A. A great question! The first thing to realize is that she likely does NOT
know right from wrong! Not in every case. And even if she does know, it
doesn’t mean she has the ability to always do the right thing. Think about
something that you do, or don’t do – that you know you should do
differently. Perhaps it’s exercising or eating healthily. Maybe it’s keeping
your desk organized or your closet clean. It’s likely that you struggle to
always do the right thing, even when you know what the right thing is. So,
if you, the mature adult, still don’t do everything the right way how could
you possibly expect such a feat from your young child?

Discipline means to teach – and it is a very rare lesson that can be learned
in one simple session. Plus, young children cannot easily apply what they’ve
learned in one situation to another. So even minor variations create
entirely new scenarios – for example, learning to share toys with a sibling
at home isn’t easily transposed to the situation of sharing playground
equipment with a friend at the park.

The key is to know that you are teaching your child continuously with your
words, your actions and your example. Take a deep breath. You have lots more
years of this ahead of you! Good luck!
Hugs,
Elizabeth

Q. I put my baby to bed around 7, but he usually wakes up after about an
hour and won’t go back to bed until 9:30 or 10. His schedule is as
follows:
6:30am-wakes up
8:30am-nap
10:30-wakes up
12pm-nap
1:30-wakes up
3:30-nap
between 4 and 4:30-wakes up
play, dinner, bath
7-sleep
8-wakes up
9:30-sleep

How can I change that 4th nap to a real bedtime? He went to bed fine that
time until he had RSV at 4 months (he’s now 7months). He eats plenty and
does pretty well with solids.

A. Your little guy is demonstrating the power of routines. Whether we make them
or our children do, once they get in a comfortable, familiar pattern they
often flow with it. Your son is getting the right amount of total sleep
(around 14-15 hours for this age group) but he is taking it in a way that
doesn’t work for you. At this age a baby usually sleeps around 11-12 hours
at night, so there are two things you can work on. First, as you say -
change that 7-8 PM “nap” to a real bedtime. You can help this happen by
keeping his bedroom dark and using “white noise” to cover any noises that
might be waking him up. (White noise clocks that play ocean waves are
rainfall are a great tool for this.) You can also use those same ideas to
keep him sleeping at 6:30 AM and blend that into the first nap of the day.
Pick one of these two and then, when he wakes up treat it as a
mid-sleep-cycle brief awakening and immediately rock, pat or rub in the dark
to see if he’ll go back to sleep. Hope this helps!
Hugs,
Elizabeth

Q. My issue is that Jack was a great sleeper, going as long as twelve hours
at night with basically no wake ups. Lately he’s been quite difficult to get
to sleep and has also recently begun teething, I was wondering whether this
is likely to be the reason or maybe it’s his appetite because he has always
had a big appetite and maybe liquid is no longer sustaining him? Does
changing his bedtime make a difference?
Also he seems to have become more dependent on his dummy, will this pass or
should I stop using it?

A.  You’re doing a good job of investigating! Any of the causes you listed are
possible. Also, is he a new walker? That major milestone can disrupt sleep.
Is he changing his daily nap schedule? Lots of children at this age move
from two naps to one. The best solution will be to pick a specific daily
naptime and an exact bedtime and stick with it 7 days a week to reset his
sleep schedule. Create a relaxing and consistent bedtime routine, and make
sure the hour before bedtime is peaceful. In regard to the dummy – that’s
your call. In the absence of any developing dental or speech problems, you
can wait until your child is two or three years old (or older) to wean from
a sleep-time dummy.
Hugs,
Elizabeth

Q.  My 4 year old nephew is having a behavioral/emotional problem.
When he gets upset (doesn’t get his way, hurts himself, gets frusterated or
disciplined), he starts screaming, not crying, screaming at the top of his
lungs for several minutes. Consoling with a hug/kiss doesn’t help, neither
does spanking. Time out keeps him still, but he still screams. My sister
in law has resorted to ignoring him which doesn’t seem to help either. He
does this in public and at home, but apparently not at preschool. This has
been going on for more than a few months. Any ideas would be greatly
appreciated.

A. Many young children have an abundance of energy and loud voices are the
verbal aspect of that energy. Most learn better volume control over time. In
the meantime, try these ideas:

When he gets too loud, go directly to him, get down to his level, and ask
him to use his quiet, inside voice. Then demonstrate what you mean by a
quiet voice, say, “Talk to me in a voice like this.”

Some children raise their voices to get your attention. To prevent this, get
down to his level when he’s talking to you and maintain eye contact as you
listen.

Try to provide a time and place to yell. Make sure this little guy has an
outlet for his boisterous voice. Take him to an indoor play arena or a large
park often enough to exercise his lungs.

And one other thing! Have his hearing checked. Children who constantly use a
loud voice might have a problem hearing. Those who have had frequent ear
infections might have fluid build up that creates difficulty hearing. It’s
always a good idea to check with a medical professional to be sure there
isn’t a problem.
Hugs,
Elizabeth

Q. What is the best age (is there a best age?) for set nap times, and how
much leeway can I have with the nap times? How much time can I expect my
almost 7 month old to be awake between naps?

Is there any good way to lengthen naps? My almost 7 month is still highly
unpredictable with the length of her naps. Sometimes she will sleep for 2
hrs, sometimes 30 minutes. I *usually* get one good nap per day (about an
hour +) and then two 30-40 minute naps. (For the record she does pretty well
at night — in bed between 6:30pm-7pm, wakes once to eat between 3am-5am on
most nights, then back to sleep ’til about 6:30am).

A.  Because your daughter sleeps well at night you have less to be concerned
about for naptime. Still, it would be nice if she took that 2 hour nap
consistently. You can help this along by having a daily nap routine. Put her
to sleep in a room that is fairly dark, with either soft lullaby music or
“white noise” (see my earlier answer.) This may help extend naptime. (Take a
peek at the other answers for more ideas.)

Q. How can I turn 4, 30 minute, naps into 2 or 3 longer naps? DS will sleep
longer if I lay with him, but I would never get anything done if I didn’t
get up during his naps.

A. It looks like the key is going to be settling your little one in a way that
he is able to continue sleeping without you beside him. You don’t say how
old your child is, but if he isn’t a newborn you can place a small, safe
stuffed toy nestled beside his hip in your place when you leave the bed.
Keep the room dark and leave some soft lullabies or white noise playing
during the entire nap. Use a baby monitor, and if you hear him make sounds
then rush in and settle him back to sleep before he wakes completely. If you
do this every day, and get him in the habit of taking a longer nap, then he
should begin to do so on his own. Best of luck!
Hugs,
Elizabeth

Thanks again, Elizabeth! That was great!