I can’t wait for what I am feeling right now to be over. I know much of it is due to sleep deprivation. Serious sleep deprivation and a general feeling of being severely run down. My family and I recently returned from a three week vacation with a 13 hour time change. Our son has never been a good sleeper and my husband and I find it extremely difficult to handle hearing him cry it out. We’ve tried it successfully in the past, but it didn’t last long. We also have co-slept for most of our son’s life because I could not handle getting out of bed so often per night. I am breastfeeding him and he still wakes several times a night to nurse.

On our vacation we slept with him for the entire three weeks and the week that we’ve been home. He hasn’t been sleeping at night though. He has his days and nights mixed up, making it impossible for anyone to get any sleep. I am pretty much at the end of my rope. I don’t know how I’m even functioning anymore on so little sleep and having strep throat on top of it. When my son is awake, which is 90% of a 24 hour period, he is either very clingy, headbutting my chest or very inquisitive and active. We have to watch him like a hawk or he may seriously injure himself.

Case in point, last night we decided to try and let him cry it out in his crib so that I could get some sleep before I lost my mind. I went in every 10 mins and the crying never lessened. He screamed and screamed at the top of his lungs as if being tortured. It was torture on me, but I felt no other option. After an hour of this process of him screaming, me checking on him and hugging him and then leaving again only to repeat the process over and over again…..my husband and I heard a THUMP upstairs. Our son climbed out of his crib. What a nightmare. Thank the powers above, if you believe in that stuff, that he is fine. Perhaps a bit of shock, but no injuries. I think mom and dad were more hurt about this than him. Of course after that incident, I held him with all my might and couldn’t let him go. We went to bed together only to create yet another setback of freedom for mama.

On top of all of this, my son wants to nurse 24/7 and whines and cries if I don’t allow it. I have no problem continuing to breastfeed, but I feel like he does it way too often for his age. Everyone I know who has a child of this age says their child only nurses or gets a bottle 2 or 3 times a day. I honestly cannot count how many times my son nurses. Maybe 4-5 or 6 times a day and as much through the night. He wakes up crying every time. He has severe separation anxiety. He only wants mama. I am the sole provider of comfort for him, which he seems to need constantly. If daddy tries to take him from me when he’s like this, he screams. If I walk away, he whines and follows me or if someone is holding him back, he cries loudly. He is also teething. He has jetlag. I feel like my poor child is miserable. I feel like I’m being a bad mother because I’m not cheerful and perky and able to stay calm and supportive of him all the time. I try to comfort him as much as I can, but there is only so much one person can do.

I go in and out of feelings of helplessness and just being plain tired and wanting to run away from it all to feelings of being totally fine. It seems a little bit like post-partum depression (which fortunately I did not experience) but isn’t 11 months post partum a little late in the game to be feeling this way?? It’s only been a few days and those few days happen to be when I am suffering from jetlag so I’m thinking it’s probably just sleep deprivation. They say it can make you crazy.